Here’s the deal: things change when you become a widow. Yeah, I’m in a contemplative mood this morning, so brace yourselves – I feel the need for a rant coming on. You’ve been warned.
I just need to get a few things out on paper (or my computer screen, as it were) and out of my head.
I feel like a square peg in a round hole. I don’t fit in with the singles, because I have been married. I don’t fit in with the marrieds, because I am no longer married. My married friends have quit calling me and hanging out with me, and that happened almost immediately following the memorial service. I’m not sure why – maybe they thought it was catching.
This change in status was not my idea. I didn’t make a choice to leave a relationship; I didn’t make the choice to move from married to widowed. And I am not a single mom, I am a widowed mom. Yes, there is a difference. It may be subtle to many people, but it’s there just the same. When you get divorced your ex is still a part of your life, if you have kids. You can continue to co-parent. When you’re a widow or a widower you are on your own, and pulling double duty.
I am jealous of married people sometimes now. They still have what I don’t have anymore. I wonder if they know how fragile their lives together can be – do they appreciate what they have? Do they understand just what it’s like to live without a life partner? When you’ve had that person in your life, and tasted that kind of relationship – and then suddenly it’s gone?
Most of the time I don’t focus on the loss; I focus on what I have, and what my future may hold. But every so often I need to just wallow a bit. Become a little melancholy and brood; yes, even throw a pity part with myself as guest of honor. I need to be honest, with myself and with those around me – being a widow really sucks sometimes. It’s very lonely, and there’s no one there who shares the load. So every so often I get to gripe and complain. And I put it on this blog, so everyone can “enjoy” it. And that makes me feel a little better. Because sometimes you just gotta share the icky stuff too.