I have been struggling to feel worthy a lot lately … alternating between two extremes. Feeling worthy and confident one day, then worthless and rejected the next.
The reason for this introspection? I lost my job.
This was my job as a 911 call taker. The job that I loved and felt good about. The job where I beat out about 150 other applicants. The job where I had endured six months of training and DORs (Daily Observation Reports) in order to solo.
And as of October 9th, I was called into the HR Director’s office and told that I was being “let go.” They had my final paycheck all ready and everything. I was told to surrender my ID badge and locker key, and was walked to my locker so I could gather my things and go home. I almost felt like a criminal.
And I didn’t do anything wrong! Broke no rules, etc. I was not behind in my training, nor did I “solo” later than any of my co-workers. I even had the highest score on our final exam upon graduation from DPSST (Department of Public Safety Standards and Training). I also had two letters of commendation in my personnel file.
I’m still not clear on why I lost my job. They never did tell me; only said that, since I was within my 18-month “trial service” period, they didn’t need to give me a reason – they could let me go without cause. So I was let go.
It’s interesting that just a month prior to all this my agency hired 4 new 20-something call takers. As soon as these young call takers were finished with their 2 weeks of training at DPSST, I was called in to HR and sent home. Not sure if that’s a coincidence or not.
And during the hiring process the background investigator had made some pointed comments about my age, telling me that this job was very stressful for “people my age.” I wondered at the time if he should be reported for saying something like that, for such an obvious comment amounting to age discrimination. But I let it go, because I hadn’t been hired yet and didn’t want to be too sensitive and say something that would rock the boat. Besides, I felt totally confident that I could do the job, and my life experience would be useful when dealing with callers. I still think that way, and DID prove that I could handle the job.
I am worthy of this job!
But the thought has crossed my mind that perhaps my being let go is due to age discrimination. I was 50 when I was hired, and the oldest new hire. The fact that I was hired in the first place, and then did so well at DPSST, makes me proud. I can take comfort in knowing that I beat out so many other applicants for this job in the first place. And kept up with the other new hires in my training group, soloing right along with them.
But now that’s all behind me. The job that I loved so much is no longer mine.
So I have been feeling rather worthless lately. I know I didn’t do anything wrong. I know that my performance was up to par with my co-workers. I know that my age has no bearing on my being able to do the job of a call taker.
But that doesn’t change the fact that I was fired. And this is the very first job in my life from which I have been fired. I was embarrassed to tell my family and friends. Many of them I haven’t told yet. Although, if they read my blog, they will now know this. I have started looking for a new job – started looking right away, in fact. I have sent out applications and resumes, and am attending a job fair tomorrow.
And I have had to remind myself that my self-worth is not tied up in:
- what job I have, or don’t have
- how my child is doing in school
- what year, make and model car I drive
- my relationship status
- how many followers I have on my blog
- how many likes/follows I have on Facebook or Twitter
- how I look in my workout clothes
These are all things that have “bugged” me from time to time about my life, and I have allowed to make me feel less than worthy. But I need to stop that, and realize that my worth is not determined by those outward measurements. We try to teach our children it’s what’s on the inside that matters most. I need to keep that in mind for myself as well.
“For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” Eph. 2:10
“… being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;” Phil 1:6
“The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O LORD, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands.” Psalm 138:8
“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Rom. 8:1
“But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us,…and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus,” Eph. 2:4&6
I am worthy, through Christ’s death on the cross.
I am worthy because I am a creation of God.
I am worthy (and loved) regardless of my circumstances.
God has a purpose for me, and because of that – I am worthy!
Can you relate to my “single mom struggles?”
What do you struggle with as a solo mom?