I have been struggling with this a lot lately … alternating between these two extremes. Feeling worthy and confident one day, then worthless and rejected the next.
The reason for this introspection? I lost my job.
This was my job as a 911 call taker. The job that I loved and felt good about. The job where I beat out about 150 other applicants. The job where I had endured six months of training and DORs (Daily Observation Reports) in order to solo.
And as of October 9th, I was called into the HR Director’s office and told that I was being “let go.” They had my final paycheck all ready and everything. I was told to surrender my ID badge and locker key, and was walked to my locker so I could gather my things and go home. I almost felt like a criminal.
And I didn’t do anything wrong! Broke no rules, etc. I was not behind in my training, not did I “solo” later than any of my co-workers. I even had the highest score on our final exam upon graduation from DPSST (Department of Public Safety Standards and Training). I also had two letters of commendation in my personnel file.
I’m still not clear on what exactly those “areas of concern” were in the first place. They never did tell me; only said that, since I was within my 18-month “trial service” period, they didn’t need to give me a reason – they could let me go without cause. So I was let go.
Interesting that just a month prior to all this my agency hired 4 new 20-something call takers. And during the hiring process the background investigator had made some pointed comments about my age, telling me that this job was very stressful for “people my age.” I will let you draw your own conclusions. I’m just sayin’.
So I have been feeling rather worthless lately. I know that I didn’t do anything wrong. I know that my performance was up to par with my co-workers. But that doesn’t change the fact that I was fired. And this is the very first job in my life from which I have been fired. I was embarrassed to tell my family and friends. Many of them I haven’t told yet. Although, if they read my blog, they will now know this. I have started looking for a new job – started looking right away, in fact. I have sent out applications and resumes, and am attending a job fair tomorrow.
And I have had to remind myself that my self-worth is not tied up in:
- what job I have, or don’t have
- how my child is doing in school
- what year, make and model car I drive
- my relationship status
- how many followers I have on my blog
- how many likes/follows I have on Facebook or Twitter
- how I look in my workout clothes
These are all things that have “bugged” me from time to time about my life, and that I have allowed to make me feel less than worthy. But I need to stop that, and realize that my worth is not determined by those outward measurements. We try to teach out children that it’s what’s on the inside that matters most. I need to keep that in mind for myself as well.
Can you relate to my “single mom struggles?” Check out my struggle with mowing the yard, a bittersweet chore for me.