Worthy or Worthless? – Single Mom Struggles 16


 

I have been struggling with this a lot lately … alternating between these two extremes.  Feeling worthy and confident one day, then worthless and rejected the next.

The reason for this introspection?  I lost my job.

This was my job as a 911 call taker.  The job that I loved and felt good about.  The job where I beat out about 150 other applicants.  The job where I had endured six months of training and DORs (Daily Observation Reports) in order to solo.

And as of October 9th, I was called into the HR Director’s office and told that I was being “let go.”  They had my final paycheck all ready and everything.  I was told to surrender my ID badge and locker key, and was walked to my locker so I could gather my things and go home.  I almost felt like a criminal.

And I didn’t do anything wrong!  Broke no rules, etc.  I was not behind in my training, not did I “solo” later than any of my co-workers.  I even had the highest score on our final exam upon graduation from DPSST (Department of Public Safety Standards and Training).  I also had two letters of commendation in my personnel file.

I’m still not clear on what exactly those “areas of concern” were in the first place. They never did tell me; only said that, since I was within my 18-month “trial service” period, they didn’t need to give me a reason – they could let me go without cause. So I was let go.

Interesting that just a month prior to all this my agency hired 4 new 20-something call takers.  And during the hiring process the background investigator had made some pointed comments about my age, telling me that this job was very stressful for “people my age.”  I will let you draw your own conclusions.  I’m just sayin’.

So I have been feeling rather worthless lately.  I know that I didn’t do anything wrong.  I know that my performance was up to par with my co-workers.  But that doesn’t change the fact that I was fired.  And this is the very first job in my life from which I have been fired.  I was embarrassed to tell my family and friends.  Many of them I haven’t told yet.  Although, if they read my blog, they will now know this.   I have started looking for a new job – started looking right away, in fact.  I have sent out applications and resumes, and am attending a job fair tomorrow.

And I have had to remind myself that my self-worth is not tied up in:

  • what job I have, or don’t have
  • how my child is doing in school
  • what year, make and model car I drive
  • my relationship status
  • how many followers I have on my blog
  • how many likes/follows I have on Facebook or Twitter
  • how I look in my workout clothes

These are all things that have “bugged” me from time to time about my life, and that I have allowed to make me feel less than worthy.  But I need to stop that, and realize that my worth is not determined by those outward measurements.  We try to teach out children that it’s what’s on the inside that matters most.  I need to keep that in mind for myself as well.

Can you relate to my “single mom struggles?”  Check out my struggle with mowing the yard, a bittersweet chore for me.

 


16 thoughts on “Worthy or Worthless? – Single Mom Struggles

  • Michelle

    Joan, god has put you on my heart for several days now and you have been in my prayers. You are a beautiful woman, mother, sister, friend…and any employer will be lucky to have you under their employment. I admire your honesty in your blogs and look forward to reading them when I see a new one in my email inbox. Love and blessings and you are most definitely WORTHY.

    • jmerrell81@gmail.com Post author

      Thanks, Michelle! I am sorry it took me so long to reply back to your kind comments. I appreciate what you said. Thanks you so much. 🙂

  • Amy

    Glad you wrote about this Sis…I know it’s a not-great time right now but I think you are on the edge of a great new chapter in your life! And you are most definitely worthy!

    • jmerrell81@gmail.com Post author

      Thanks, Amy!! It’s such a blessing to know that you “always have my back.” 🙂

  • jimmy harmell

    Don’t let anything or anybody label you and that includes you labeling yourself. You worth is not based upon whether you can take a 911 call. You are a wonderful person who has contributed greatly to many people in your life.

    Life will not be contained and neither should you !

    cheers,

    jimmy

    • jmerrell81@gmail.com Post author

      Thanks, Jimmy! It was a chapter in my life, and I am moving on. Learned so much, and now it’s time to move to a different “classroom.” 🙂

  • Dianna

    Please know that God never closes a door without opening a window. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason-there must be a better job offer coming your way! Good luck!

    • jmerrell81@gmail.com Post author

      Thank you, Dianna! I have faith that God has something better planned; I just need to move toward whatever He has waiting. It’s exciting, but a little scary. 🙂

  • jessica

    Thank you for sharing this. I think everyone goes through this feeling and I know I have had it several times in my life. Have you thought about contacting an attorney about this? I know it may not be something you want to do but I know what it is like to be let go when you know there was no reason for it and they basically just made it look like there was a reason. I would also file for unemployment. The reason I say these things is that my husband was fired from his job over a year ago because he broke his back on the job. Then when he was released to go back to work, they fired him and we found out the reason was because he was now a liability for the insurance. We fought and fought with them on unemployment because they had no basis for firing him. I still feel that he should take them to court but he wants to let it go, and I understand that too because the whole process was stressful on him. But because of it he was able to go to school and get more training for the gas and oil field. Now its just a waiting game to find the right job for him. Having a broken back is a hard thing to get around when you apply for a physical job though and it has been a rough few years. But I know something good will come out of it and we just pray it happens soon. I know the same will happen for you just dont give up hope! It took a lot of courage to share this!! You are going to find something 10 times better. God will make it happen.

    • jmerrell81@gmail.com Post author

      Thanks, Jessica! Sorry it took me so long to respond to your kind comments. I got kinda bogged down with the day to day stuff. 🙂 I will keep you and your family in my prayers, and pray that your husband finds a great new job soon. I know that God has both our families right where we need to be. 🙂 Thanks again for stopping by, and for your comments.

  • Lauren

    A few years ago, I quit my job that I knew I wasn’t going to be hired back for the next year. I was a high school teacher and was told my contract would not be renewed. I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I was teaching. My students were learning. I was also pregnant with twins and not married. I was told early on when I found out that I was pregnant that they couldn’t legally fire me (after all I wasn’t doing anything wrong and was doing my job) but they would do anything they could to make me quit. The administration made my life intolerable. I was told that I was a bad teacher. It was suggested that I taught for “popularity” with young boys (I was 23 at the time). It was suggested that I have an abortion. In the end, I did quit. I struggled for a quite a while with my self-worth. I had always wanted to be a teacher, and now that I had “failed” at it, who was I? Our jobs definitely do not measure our worth. Several years later as I was driving home one night after teaching (yes teaching… I AM a good teacher and chose to teach those thrown out by the school system to help them get their GED), it hit me that if I had “succeeded” in my other job, I wouldn’t have this job that I love. If I hadn’t “failed” and gotten pregnant, I wouldn’t have my twins and I definitely wouldn’t have given the single dad I knew from HS a shot when he asked the single mama out and I wouldn’t be engaged and getting ready to be married to this wonderful man! I hope this gives you a glimmer of hope that “failures” are not measurements of how good of a person we are but stepping stones to what God has planned for us which is so much more than what we have now. Thanks so much for linking up with us at Mommy Needs a Timeout Thursday! Loved reading this!
    Lauren
    Twin Tested, Pin Approved
    (sorry my comment is a novel haha)

    • jmerrell81@gmail.com Post author

      Thank you so much for your “novel” and I enjoyed everything you had to say! Thanks for sharing all of that, and for being so transparent about what you went through. I appreciate, more than you know, what you shared. I am truly taking it one day at a time, and I know that God has plans – even if I can’t see them right now. 🙂

  • Denise

    Joan, thanks for sharing this post on the Mommy Needs a Time Out Linky. You’re our “Timeout Chair” raffle winner and we’ll be featuring this post in our newsletter and the next link up.

    • jmerrell81@gmail.com Post author

      Wow! Thanks, Denise! And thank you for hosting the link up. I always enjoy coming over and posting there. You ladies do a great job! Thanks again. 🙂

  • heidi

    I’m so sorry to hear that you lost your job. Something similar happened to me a year and half ago. Due to red tape they let all the part time help for the company I worked for go in the town I lived in. Things will work out even if it’s difficult to how right now.

    • jmerrell81@gmail.com Post author

      Thanks, Heidi. It has been difficult, and discouraging. But I know that, as you said, things will work out. Thanks for the encouragement, and for sharing your experience. Have a great week! 🙂

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